Reflections

Reflections | Hit Head Here! | Gates of Hell | Winetasting with Darkside! | Darkside Destroys Himself!

Reflections

Greetings from the dawn of a brave, new yesterday...

With the continuous disintegration and rebirth of the warring Eastern European "I'm a country - now I'm not - now I'm a new country" countries, Australia - despite its tender 211 years of existence in the genocidal era that we call European settlement - is fast becoming one of the world's oldest nations. And as a result, good ol' OZ is becoming a bit high maintenance in its demands. In short, we've passed puberty, got a job on the world stage as a token sporting power, and we're leaving home - previously known as the British Commonwealth - to set out on our own. That's right. We've chucked a big socio-political hissy-fit, turning our nose up at the Monarchy, screaming "You're not the boss of me! It's our life, and I'll do what we want!" and storming out, slamming the open door of international relations behind us.

I'm talking about a republic, people!

It's going to happen - this much is very clear. But the buzzword is; who is going to lead this brave, newly independent nation into the twentieth century, just as it is about to end? A president. A head of state. As the papers cry out "GIVE AN AUSTRALIAN THE HEAD JOB", we could end up drifting very close to the American style of Presidency, and something about that sucks. After consulting the stars, the tea-leaves, the cat's entrails, and the form guide for the Randwick trots, I've come up with a couple of figure-head candidates to replace the tired, old Guv-General concept. Bear with me people!

After having years of John Howard hobnobbing with the Tony Blairs and the Bill Clintons of this world, only to be repeatedly asked questions such as "And you are... ?", and "Ah, Australia. And where's that?", we need someone with the sheer bloody-minded arrogance and lack of even a basic humility in order to compete on this world stage. Is it not a stroke of luck that Jeff Kennett's looking for a job?

Yes, Jeffrey is the man who would expect Bill Clinton to kneel before him and offer favours that dare not speak their name. Jeffrey is the man who would say to Tony Blair, "This is England, is it? How quaint. I used to have a little hobby farm too. Victoria, it was called." Yes, Jeff would ensure that we don't kow-tow to anyone in the world arena. I mean, sure, we may end up having a few more international enemies, maybe even an odd war or two, but that's bye the bye. As a country, it's far better to be thought of as a pack of stuck-up wankers, rather than the doormat of the South Pacific.

But for mine, if we want to really stick it up the poms with our move to independence, then there is only one true choice for president. A Ms. Lizzie Windsor of 1, Buck House, London. As I hear you gasp and gawp, I say, be still and hear my case. Let's install HRH as president, and that would mean that she would need to emigrate to Australia, having to consort with those ghastly colonials whom she only previously ever had to read about. Her lot sent us out here to start the whole ball rolling - did she seriously think that she could rule from afar, without getting her hands dirty?!? NO, I say! Let's get her over here and put her to work! Presidential duties would be extremely part-time at best, so she can supplement her income by droving on a sheep station, so that she may purvey over this great brown southern land...

And the best thing is, we wouldn't have to change the faces on the money!

This has been another "REFLECTION FROM THE DARKSIDE!!!"

**DISCLAIMER**: Australia is filled with biased, corrupted, obnoxious, or ill-informed opinions... this has been mine!